You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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