i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
