thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
