I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
