My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
