i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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