Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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