the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
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