I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Randomize
