I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I am midnight drunk by noon
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
