i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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