i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
