Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize