Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
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