I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
