I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
