grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
