I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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