I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
