Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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