I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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