But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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