i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize