After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
