I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
