I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
