I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
