Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
