At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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