I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Randomize
