Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
