My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
