I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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