I am full of burrito and curiosity
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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