i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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