I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
