If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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