I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
