Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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