she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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