Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
