I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
It's no shave November. This is our time.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
