I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
