You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
