PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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