I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Randomize
