I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
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