I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
