I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
