He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
