Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
smell my finger.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
