When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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