maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
