I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize