saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
So squirting runs in the family.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
